Anyone out there!!!!!

Ive had a pretty fucked up life and ive been thru alot of shit. Sometimes i get thru it and sometimes i dont. But this last month has been the worst and i just cant seem to get a handle on it. I lost the love of my life and its killing me. Look its my fault ive been a selfish asshole for 13 plus years. I lied , stole ,and cheated. Now if you know me you would Know ive Been a herion addict and this behaviors go hand and hand. So how do you separate this behavior from the ones you love and the average asshole as a junkie you just dont care about. Well you dont thats how you destroy everything in your path whether you love them or not. So here i am a year and half clean and in the worse pain ever WTF wheres the handbook cause im lost. Now just cause i can recognize that this situation im in is completely my fault and i can take responsiblity for it doesnt make it hurt less. I think it makes it worse cause now im feeling guilty on top of it all. She gave it all she had forever and now she cant give anymore and it doesnt matter that im ready to give my all. IM still learning so if anyone is out there answer me this If someone is your heart and your heart is broken does that mean what you think is love is broken? Is it just a memory?